I wish..

I wish I can be wiser, to be less selfish and to love more

I wish I can be braver, to ask for forgiveness and say I am sorry

I wish I can be kinder, to remember all the sacrifices you gave to take me here

I wish I can be better, to thank you with all my gratitude

I pray I will be stronger, to be the pillar, to be the shield

I pray for the wisdom, that will teach me not to hurt

& I pray for the guidance, to bear my destiny as me and as a son...

The Pursuit of Happiness

There are some things that touch you more than other things, especially after experiencing an event that can be related to to that very thing that touches you in the core of your heart.

Three days ago, I was in high spirits. Life is flowing at a pace so harmonious that I swear everyday is like a dance. That frame in time, everything was perfect. I felt that my future is secure, the potential forward was endless when I received an email from my company about receiving their call soon to discuss graduate positions. Those words were magical music notes to my eyes and I believed that my first step into the next phase of life will now materialize in the form of an engineering consultant, something that I wholeheartedly believe will take me towards my dreams of being involved in great projects, meet great people, travel and broaden my horizons once again. It was a moment I had been waiting for this one year since receiving their news that my job commencement will be delayed to next year, and its never sweeter to receive an email like that, an affirmation, a celebration.

I woke up the next day, feeling bright and sunny. I looked back at all the things that I learned within this year and smiled, I knew I had came far. The swell of ecstasy and happiness visible as I kept clearing my throat, all prepared, coffee mug in hand, I awaited the phone call that will change my life, I will finally become a mechanical engineer!

In that moment of time, there are some powers at work that definitely exceed human expectations and our convictions. Somehow, there are somethings that are meant to happen, no matter how many good indicators we received before it. As my little morning unfolds, I got the phone call. I was informed that I had been made redundant. Apparently they reevaluated their need for mechanical engineers and the services of graduates are no longer required. After all that hype about telling us to hold on for a year, I am, to them just another name on the list, something that you can select and delete in Excel. I must confess that I did not feel much pain during that time, and it took another day before I realized how much had I planned next year based on the assumption that I have the job. Thats only when I felt disappointed at my own sense of security, and that I haven't been facing my world realistically at all, no matter how much I believed I did before all these.

Two days has passed since that morning I might not be so quick to forget. I just finished watching a show called "The Pursuit of Happiness", a film acted by Will Smith. Its a fantastic film about a single, jobless father taking care of his 5 year old son after he has lost it all in a failed business plan. The story depicts extraordinary hardship and an unfathomably tough journey unimaginable by me. While his story began without a car, without a house, with 21 dollars in his bank and with all the responsibilities a father has to a child, mine began with everything he did not have, more of anything he has, and less of everything he has to do. It takes contrast to send a clear message, and I am once again touched by the story of Chris Gardner, a true story of the twists in life...

I am writing this to remind myself that life is not an event to be totally planned for and that nothing is as bad as it seems. While I have a wide range of choices that seem to be a headache when it comes to selecting one, some people do not have any choices at all. While things will definitely stuff up at some point in life, there is also no point brooding for them. Life is a pursuit of happiness, and the important word is pursuit.

What that does not kill you makes you stronger. I am glad that I can now at least make peace with a chapter of my life. My pursuit goes on ahead. Theres no such thing as a lasting bad moment, I believe that there will be still a good journey ahead. Fight on! At least now I have another chance to reorganize next year's plans based on what I have learned this year.

太多想， 还是想太多？

事情发生了，如何评论？ 好？ 坏？ 糟？ 福？

一时的痛， 为什么要痛？ 一时的无方，为何要迷路？

人，太常只看见自己， 而忘了自己的渺茫。 人，虽然是个小小的存在，但是每个人的存在却非常重要。大家，都是一切的一部分，而一切就是以我们这一部分人去形容他。

在无常中，我们是有太多要想, 还是往往想太多？ 为了探知明天，我们可以用今天的每一秒来策划明天。 我们要求百胜，我们渴望结果，我们追求定义。之中，我们排测了变化，万一，惊喜。

大城市里的我们，已经忘了生火、掘井的乐趣。 小城市里的他们， 往往不见得觉得简陋是一种缺陷。 两个别着天地般的世界里，是否真的别着一块天地？我们，他们， 大家。 大家都是这一切的一部分，没有比较好，还是比较差。 人生是一个长期的旅行，今天的定义不见得可以永远断定明天的偶然。 所谓的‘大事’， 也不见得盖得过眼前的那片无尽的蓝天、滚滚的山坡、苍苍的人生。

我们，他们，大家， 在无奈与打击期间可以做的最大错误不是伤心， 而是把自己的心情蒙盖这世界的无穷乐观， 在悲哀的走廊徘徊，在失去的回忆里自弃。自觉无望的人，也没什么特别，他们和大家的分别只在于自由。 何为自由？人生的旅行，是我门生下来而获得的自由。一旦把自己的时间停留在过去， 旅行无法前进，而自由，也失去了意义。 人生最大的可惜，就是自卑而无望；人生最大的悲哀，就是失去的自由。

我们，他们，大家， 在遇见挫折时毕竟是真的有太多要想，还是想太多了？我们没有失去自由，又去自怜什么？人生还有许多风景，我们停留什么？ 今天这时，比起100年前这时， 我们遇见的人多了五百倍， 机会也就多了至少一千倍， 我们，他们，大家， 还犹豫什么？

这世界，其实就不必我们去怎样改变。 它需要的，不是生存的人， 而是生活中的我们，他们，大家……

The Eve of a Last Exam

Frankly, I should not be here... should be concentrating on understanding the leftover bits of maths theory i did not pay attention to during semester, or going over all those tutorial questions that I never seem to remember after not touching them for a while, theres just so much to do before a last paper but I am overwhelmed by a strange feeling of emancipation being restrained by responsibility... and its driving my concentration nuts.

The stuffy and messy room plus the sound of TV (American Dad) outside isn't helping either, if I hadn't grew up in Malaysia I bet I would have gone out there and enjoy tv with my brothers, something about our culture has drilled me to unconsciously feel that one must study until their exams are over, but I am not doing it too efficiently either >.<

I just had to lament here, in fact i feel much better having typed all these. Its a strange thing that there are so many uncomfortable feelings in life is due to the fact that we cannot reach out, just like these lame laments of a seemingly boring night being filled with crazy feelings and emotions cycling through my brain... somehow the feeling of being published brings about a sense of inner peace... >.<

now back to last minute study, and to life.

I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me --

A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination

But my life.

For love was offered me, and i shrank from its disillusionment;

Sorrow knocked at my door, but i was afraid

Ambition called to me, but i dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny

Wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture

Of restlessness and vague desire --

It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

(Edgar Lee Masters, excerpt from Wild at Heart)

The Chick Language

The sun is up, the breeze is cool and hola, a new semester has returned in accompaniment of the coolest summer in 20 years! Summer, is of course the season of seasons ... and when I say cool summer its not just the temperature dudes, it is all about the dancing candies and melting ice creams right beneath the sun's brilliant spotlight!

Being an engineering student for most of my academic years, God has bestowed me and my nerdy brethens with the hyper-charged chick radar as a reward to our zealous patronage to the God of Singlehood. A sad gift if you take it negatively, but definitely the most refreshing ability one can have amidst a life of routine and sausage sizzles ;) However, if theres a time to be thankful, then its got to be this year! From every nook and corner of the city, to the corridors and fields of uni, I can feel my single-sense tingling! Recession or not, i am stating this for a fact.... Perth is invaded by chicks.

Yes my dude friends! Forget Japan! This gotta be the very crest of the new chick revolution wave! (so please do overlook the expenses and come visit me ... I will supply photoproofs the nxt time xD)

Naturally, there is not much sense in just looking at chicks as if they are just part of a movie film flicking past your time frame, and quoting a word of relationship advice from Sir Isaac Newton: " If there is no action, there is no reaction". And action, gave me my first taste of chick language (ya ya i know, but this is a personal achievement so overlook it if you must xD).

Being young, sometimes it is easy to believe that it is just a matter of instinct and mindset to talk to a complete stranger and walk away with their contact and leaving a good impression to warrant a date. Some people do it as if it is natural, chatting up every girl in their vicinity but now i truly believe that it is an art that comes with trials and errors.

I met this really cute girl at the post office just an hour before writing this post. We were at the stamp table finalising address details and I noticed her neat handwriting, slightly wavy long black hair along with her captivating smile which reflects her pleasant personality -- All first impressions but they are more than often accurate ^_^. I really wanted to get to know her, that was the first instinctive thought that crossed my mind. But oddly enough, I do not know what to say to start off a mutual conversation. Thinking hard while filling up my letter, I was about to give up when she asked me if I happen to have some bottled water as the sponge for dapping stamps have dried up. Miraculously, something made me, the guy that drinks less than 4 cups of water a day to bring out a water bottle before i took the bus to uni lol! In the end I managed to talk to her but somehow I think I had been too busy playing cool to forget asking her for her name and number even after a good 7 minute chat lol. I am still kicking myself for this but well, i will have to take her number the next time i see her at uni... hopefully the small world theory holds lol.

Morale of the story, it is hard to engage in a good mutual converstation if one does not attempt to practice it often. I was definitely there talking about random stuff and hoping that somehow it goes in a direction i wanted it to go. Being infront of an attractive stranger, it is easy to get into a defensive stance in attemp to make sure that no negative impressions are "accidentedly" played out. While it is natural to assume this is the safest way to talk, I now think that it prevents ones true personality to shine and definitely reduces the effort put into a talk. Maybe to talk chick, one must not be a chicken xD.

I guess being holed up with games and animes really did cost me a lot of communication ability with girls afterall haha. Considering that girls I find attractive are normally educated ones with pleasant personalities, i really need to be more out going in studying chick language haha. Admist this recession and financial crisis, I am glad that the sun still shines and hope is still reflected in the smiles of tomorrow afterall... ;)

Sooo my cool friends out there... any advice for this little noobie here? xD
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On another note, I just moved to a new place and am currently without internet. Imagine the sadness. I will announce it with a big bang the day i get internet back into my life xD.

毒语

也不知自从何时，我的心开始发闷。。。开始欢迎自卑进入人生。
做什么也不对，总没有一样可以给我一个挖掘自己的感觉，更没有满足感。

近来，唯一自在与高兴的时光全都是在家乡槟城家里与家人朋友团聚时感受到的。每次聆听父母的教诲我的眼泪总时在眼角间徘徊，渐渐地流下。我心里那时感觉到的温磬是多年来没有感觉到的。我突然感到非常幸福，因为父母的爱，就是那么伟大，那么真实的打动我的心。。。

我长大了，却又好像一位渴望着什么的小孩。我每天都以为，天下没有另一个可以了解我的人了。。。
我知道，我非常自私。。。做事也没LP， 人生总是摇摇晃晃的，永远抓不住要点。每但我处理的事情恶化，我都不知所措，往往放弃，而途中也将自己的信心磨花了。。。

朋友们都说我很有天份，但是我就是找不到这所谓的天分。每次回味父亲对我说的话，我的心都是那么的酸，因为我觉得我每次都辜负了他的爱。我看着自己沉重的影子，更无法明白应该如何成为一位家庭的靠山、弟弟们的榜样、朋友的信心与梦想中的众人之希望。。。

有时，我也不知道是不是给予自己太多无形的压力。
往往，我都无暇中拿自己与他人相比。我一向都很骄傲，以为我样样都应该比别人厉害，但自己却常败给别人的成长与进步。。 也不知我为何要比，输了，我却不振作，往往就不再立志进步，认输比较容易。人比人，嫩条比椰树，败了甘愿不穿库。。。

我最不明白的，还是自己。大家都说我想太多。。。但我也不知道应该如何去简略化自己的细想。
我想找个肩膀哭泣，又衰在自己是男人，脸皮还比心酸重要。。。

我读过的道理还算不少，再加上有那么多朋友时常与我一起参讨，人生的概念理论上对我来说应该简单不过。然而，我却我发领悟。 我明白孔子、佛祖还有朋友与老爸对我说过的一切，但却无法采用。。。我是真的不会采用。

老爸时常问我， 李玮志，你在这23年里，发现你自己要的是什么了吗？我只有苦笑作答，而心里确实是很伤心的。 我好像一艘在大海中央的船，虽然无论八方任选一方都回到岸，我却不知该上那一个岸，结果甘愿停在那里，任命运摆布。
对，我婆妈。。。永远就做不起自己的决定。。。小时想要打游戏机，也非常害怕被骂，都得问过妈妈；大些了想和朋友门出去也得战战兢兢地问父母。 到了现在因为年龄自动把这权利带给我后才不问，但还总是有那胶带父母的习惯，他们点了头我才放心的出去。。。我就是那么的没自信。

我喜欢一个女孩，却时常把表白当作科学试验般，想了一大堆procedure,但到了最后却因为hypothesis太渺茫而不行动。。。到了今天，我也只是在暗恋她。。。

我，到底是谁？23 年了我还认不得我自己，也不懂如何利用我身世的幸福，来寻找我的人生路。我听过很多人的人生故事，仰慕了无数的领袖、工业掌门、明星、老爹、朋友 。。。但却从来没有佩服过我自己。我找不到我的强项，也看不到我的优点。。。

独自坐在我在波斯的小房间里，听着风扇的翁翁声，我决定写下我心中一直默默重复的毒语，希望把它拿出来后我可以用更光明的眼光看待自己。。。以更醒目的态度关照我周围的世界。。。然后踏上一条我自己选择的人生路，而多年后以无悔的笑容，描述我成功的故事。。。