A Taste of Fear

I am ever impressed by life's ability to strike back hard no matter how prepared one seems to feel. With the ability to make time flow, life is as terrifying an opponent and as wonderful a teacher...

Finally in the final semester that I had looked forward to throughout my uni years, things are always rather contrary to whatever one perceives. Never before I recall feeling as tired and unenthusiastic while handling my projects and studies. Life suddenly feels dry as things go out of balance and frustration kicks in as I am constantly bugged with an unfinished project in my hands. For once, I feel that I am at wits end, and I truly come to fear this pressure before me.

Having been empowered by thoughts that I will graduate and start my life as an engineer by securing a job, the fact that my thesis still lingers on and no way of ending soon leaves me really demotivated for most of the days. The words just do it and don't think that much suddenly becomes harder to realize. Things feel complicated and it gets worse when the mind starts playing tricks on itself. I caught myself blanking out while my own mind played out the worst case scenarios over and over again, and hell it makes me even more worried than before.

I come to envy people that are juggling their projects well and still can lead a normal life. Makes me wonder how some people juggle their work and life around. I am at the doorsteps of entering an industry responsible for delivering the things that make life better for people, and yet I could not handle things as well as I hoped to. It feels like doing my best is no longer sufficient to handle things, but I do not have the energy to face the torrents of pressure that come streaming down everyday. Indeed, this is the first time I feel lost and afraid...

All I know for now is that I cannot back down no matter how much my heart wants to quit. Looking back, I have walked a beautiful life that is worth fighting on for, and I will not let the good times stop here. The Chinese table tennis coach told his defeated star player: The throne has always been yours, but you need to reach out to take it. Nothing falls out of the sky. May the stars guide my paths ahead as I stretch to create a better semester out of these dirt and dust...