Connections

Today is a meaningful day to me... I cleaned my room.

Hoi, I see some eyes rolling there but I am serious here. Cleaning up a room is no easy business you know, especially when you have a million historical artifacts to go through, each item no matter how small triggers the "Throw or No Throw" command, one which I, a very typical cancerian hates to deal with. Why don't some things just disappear instead of hanging out in my room for aeons and aeons, I would lament on, but then again, looking at each ancient belonging brings out old feelings and insights into myself. Forgotten memories or life changing thoughts alike, they call out to me, just like circuits of light awaiting a new battery, a connection waiting to be connected...

For once, I felt that digging into my own past is as thrilling as trying to predict the future. While I enjoy planning and day dreaming about the future, reading my past real time by touching those yellowed parchments of notes, greeting cards since the days where I wear blue shorts to school, short stories which I wrote but abandoned and even those add maths workings (ya I don't know why i still have them either) really brings out a whole new feeling all together. The feeling of flow, the feeling of through, the feeling of discovery.

Collecting those lost steps, I can only gasp at how far the currents of life has carried me since the good old days of hacyon. Facing the strong currents of the oceans i now steer within, I had been constantly pushed down by despair and stronger foes, losing the motivation of my raw, presailing days. Lost, pathetic, I now realise how far I had strayed from the original values that define me. Between the lines of those old scribbles I see a young me, bathing in confidence and arrogance to a certain degree, egoistic and sure of my path. A silhoutte of my past, stronger but perhaps more naive as compared to a present me of low esteem, what in the world had life done to me? Or rather what had i done with myself?

At this point, I walked around and took a couple of deep breaths. All around my room i can only imagine my old self shaking his head in disbelieve upon seeing my current state. Too many a time i resisted the temptation to shout back: Stop that naive smirk! what do you know of the future?! But yet, I can't help but to agree with his views, I had been controled by the elements, clouded by seemingly greener grasses and intimidated by my own failures, taking them too seriously and alas, retreated onto the loser's path... Truely, productivity has been low for me as I elude competitions, taking challenges too easily and pointlessly slacking.

"So whats? We's can still stay alives this ways!" Hissed my inner Gollum, displaying his trademark smirk. You know what? you are right, I can stay alive just by being what i am now. I will eventually get a job, and eventually live on a decent life. But, I am NOT one bit satisfied and will never be fulfilled if I pursue this lifestyle. I have dreams as far as I can remember, I cannot keep sitting around and watch my dreams fade as I kept scrambling for cover when a fight comes challenging nor can I just keep feeling happy for people's success while I pretend to be satisfied with what I am. NO MORE. I have had enough, it is my turn to wield my own carving knife.

While scientists around the world are still scrambling to connect our genetic past, this year's spring cleaning has given me the chance to redeem what i had once lost, a connection to the past which I had unintentionally cordoned off due to my own mistakes and naive thoughts. Perhaps the most important lesson I had learned is that grasses are always greener elsewhere when i believe them to be. We do what we have to do when we are young, and what I need to do now is to have faith in my own strength and accept my past failures as lessons instead of reasons to abandon a dream.

Long and winding is the road ahead, and indeed i am no master of it, but if it is the chance to live as me, I say walk on.