NeuroPaths

There are no shortcuts!

2010-08-12T21:53:00.000+08:00

NEVER trust someone else to finish an important job for you, EVEN WHEN they are paid to do it!!

It is always easy to promise and say words that are music to ones ears, but the sad fact is that people are often built with bigger mouths than balls, bigger butts than brains... perhaps I have also been too comfortably sitting on my butt too much to let the Malaysian High Commission pull this one on me. Apparently all that promise to help me settle my NS deferment issue was just a bad joke and now I am left to fend for myself a month later.

Sigh, what did i really expect when they say they would do it, should have saw this coming and chased them up. Another hard pill to swallow, but a valuable lesson i will not forget... Lesson of the day? Make sure you know whats going on with all the important projects in your life! There is no short cut to getting it done, the surest way is still through your own hands!

2010-06-29T12:29:00.003+08:00

When times are rough, remember the good times;
When times are good, remember the rough days...

Remember the Road

2010-06-27T22:27:00.003+08:00

The test of a man's strength is within those quiet moments where he has only himself to face, where masks cannot hide lies and each emotion does not escape his own mind.

Strength is not created within the scenarios where a man stands out to achieve and command, but forged quietly within the moments where you have only yourself to face.

The very first step outwards towards a road pursuing dreams and happiness, starts by the moment you answer to yourself. Not with the fancy words you hear from TV or read from the lines of epic plays, it is when you can tell yourself the meaning of your core, the weight of the things you want to protect and your reason to not lose your ground in defending them.

Understand that peace can only be achieved by giving every action your all, not hoping to merely pass it with minimal effort. At this point in time, there is no clearer goal or dream for you. Any half baked achievement is worse than a failure... for you will be stuck with it while wishing you could have done better. Failure, may be the first experience prior to success, but accepting failure all the time will dull the spirit. Failure is not merely another experience, it is a sign that you are not good enough to strike where you aim. If you still hold those dreams dear and true, never give up, train on and get it the next time!

Seek peace through excellence, seek self through honesty. May these words remind me again and again of a journey yet incomplete but worthwhile to march on ahead.

A gift to count on

2010-04-18T23:44:00.003+08:00

If God gave us humans a gift to brave all these in life, it will be the spirit to never give in, never give up.

For the many numerous nights we have to face in doubt, fear and loneliness, we are given the strength to be relentless, to be compassionate, to be human as we stand our ground and fight for our own dreams and believes.

Nothing out there is an end to our means, the one real obstacle we will face is the one planted in our own hearts... our own fears and faked believes that led us to doubt the might of our true strength and positive convictions.

May the learning curve of life guide us towards our relentless pursuit of happiness and soul searching, to answer to questions of why are we here and what does it truly mean to be happy and satisfied to laugh at the end of 100 human years.

Don't stop, keep moving. Press on, keep learning!

Post inspired by the movie Defiance, starring the might of human will, conviction and passion in the cruelty and darkness during the Jewish exodus of WWII.

《唔鸣曲》

2010-04-09T23:46:00.003+08:00

人在江湖，歌能多久？
血滴剑光，何足杯酒？
黑白面风，冰雪成梦，
白鹤东飞，西光独龙。。。

歌舞轻抚琵琶曲，闺女嘴角笛声幽，
双剑银光迎风鸣，游侠独舞花安知？

黄沙飞尘虽路卷，万里足迹何人连？
醉步糊踩人间道，酒醒方明路仍遥。

山水直泻何清秀？壮士腾血放逍遥！
秋影启奏问情歌，雨丝绵绵绘心图。

演唱无名，沧海恭听，
神情自定，此曲唔鸣！

I wish..

2009-12-04T03:34:00.004+11:00

I wish I can be wiser, to be less selfish and to love more

I wish I can be braver, to ask for forgiveness and say I am sorry

I wish I can be kinder, to remember all the sacrifices you gave to take me here

I wish I can be better, to thank you with all my gratitude

I pray I will be stronger, to be the pillar, to be the shield

I pray for the wisdom, that will teach me not to hurt

& I pray for the guidance, to bear my destiny as me and as a son...

The Pursuit of Happiness

2009-11-28T02:10:00.004+11:00

There are some things that touch you more than other things, especially after experiencing an event that can be related to to that very thing that touches you in the core of your heart.

Three days ago, I was in high spirits. Life is flowing at a pace so harmonious that I swear everyday is like a dance. That frame in time, everything was perfect. I felt that my future is secure, the potential forward was endless when I received an email from my company about receiving their call soon to discuss graduate positions. Those words were magical music notes to my eyes and I believed that my first step into the next phase of life will now materialize in the form of an engineering consultant, something that I wholeheartedly believe will take me towards my dreams of being involved in great projects, meet great people, travel and broaden my horizons once again. It was a moment I had been waiting for this one year since receiving their news that my job commencement will be delayed to next year, and its never sweeter to receive an email like that, an affirmation, a celebration.

I woke up the next day, feeling bright and sunny. I looked back at all the things that I learned within this year and smiled, I knew I had came far. The swell of ecstasy and happiness visible as I kept clearing my throat, all prepared, coffee mug in hand, I awaited the phone call that will change my life, I will finally become a mechanical engineer!

In that moment of time, there are some powers at work that definitely exceed human expectations and our convictions. Somehow, there are somethings that are meant to happen, no matter how many good indicators we received before it. As my little morning unfolds, I got the phone call. I was informed that I had been made redundant. Apparently they reevaluated their need for mechanical engineers and the services of graduates are no longer required. After all that hype about telling us to hold on for a year, I am, to them just another name on the list, something that you can select and delete in Excel. I must confess that I did not feel much pain during that time, and it took another day before I realized how much had I planned next year based on the assumption that I have the job. Thats only when I felt disappointed at my own sense of security, and that I haven't been facing my world realistically at all, no matter how much I believed I did before all these.

Two days has passed since that morning I might not be so quick to forget. I just finished watching a show called "The Pursuit of Happiness", a film acted by Will Smith. Its a fantastic film about a single, jobless father taking care of his 5 year old son after he has lost it all in a failed business plan. The story depicts extraordinary hardship and an unfathomably tough journey unimaginable by me. While his story began without a car, without a house, with 21 dollars in his bank and with all the responsibilities a father has to a child, mine began with everything he did not have, more of anything he has, and less of everything he has to do. It takes contrast to send a clear message, and I am once again touched by the story of Chris Gardner, a true story of the twists in life...

I am writing this to remind myself that life is not an event to be totally planned for and that nothing is as bad as it seems. While I have a wide range of choices that seem to be a headache when it comes to selecting one, some people do not have any choices at all. While things will definitely stuff up at some point in life, there is also no point brooding for them. Life is a pursuit of happiness, and the important word is pursuit.

What that does not kill you makes you stronger. I am glad that I can now at least make peace with a chapter of my life. My pursuit goes on ahead. Theres no such thing as a lasting bad moment, I believe that there will be still a good journey ahead. Fight on! At least now I have another chance to reorganize next year's plans based on what I have learned this year.

太多想，还是想太多？

2009-11-26T14:17:00.003+11:00

事情发生了，如何评论？好？坏？糟？福？

一时的痛，为什么要痛？一时的无方，为何要迷路？

人，太常只看见自己，而忘了自己的渺茫。人，虽然是个小小的存在，但是每个人的存在却非常重要。大家，都是一切的一部分，而一切就是以我们这一部分人去形容他。

在无常中，我们是有太多要想, 还是往往想太多？为了探知明天，我们可以用今天的每一秒来策划明天。我们要求百胜，我们渴望结果，我们追求定义。之中，我们排测了变化，万一，惊喜。

大城市里的我们，已经忘了生火、掘井的乐趣。小城市里的他们，往往不见得觉得简陋是一种缺陷。两个别着天地般的世界里，是否真的别着一块天地？我们，他们，大家。大家都是这一切的一部分，没有比较好，还是比较差。人生是一个长期的旅行，今天的定义不见得可以永远断定明天的偶然。所谓的‘大事’，也不见得盖得过眼前的那片无尽的蓝天、滚滚的山坡、苍苍的人生。

我们，他们，大家，在无奈与打击期间可以做的最大错误不是伤心，而是把自己的心情蒙盖这世界的无穷乐观，在悲哀的走廊徘徊，在失去的回忆里自弃。自觉无望的人，也没什么特别，他们和大家的分别只在于自由。何为自由？人生的旅行，是我门生下来而获得的自由。一旦把自己的时间停留在过去，旅行无法前进，而自由，也失去了意义。人生最大的可惜，就是自卑而无望；人生最大的悲哀，就是失去的自由。

我们，他们，大家，在遇见挫折时毕竟是真的有太多要想，还是想太多了？我们没有失去自由，又去自怜什么？人生还有许多风景，我们停留什么？今天这时，比起100年前这时，我们遇见的人多了五百倍，机会也就多了至少一千倍，我们，他们，大家，还犹豫什么？

这世界，其实就不必我们去怎样改变。它需要的，不是生存的人，而是生活中的我们，他们，大家……

The Eve of a Last Exam

2009-11-12T02:33:00.002+11:00

Frankly, I should not be here... should be concentrating on understanding the leftover bits of maths theory i did not pay attention to during semester, or going over all those tutorial questions that I never seem to remember after not touching them for a while, theres just so much to do before a last paper but I am overwhelmed by a strange feeling of emancipation being restrained by responsibility... and its driving my concentration nuts.

The stuffy and messy room plus the sound of TV (American Dad) outside isn't helping either, if I hadn't grew up in Malaysia I bet I would have gone out there and enjoy tv with my brothers, something about our culture has drilled me to unconsciously feel that one must study until their exams are over, but I am not doing it too efficiently either >.<

I just had to lament here, in fact i feel much better having typed all these. Its a strange thing that there are so many uncomfortable feelings in life is due to the fact that we cannot reach out, just like these lame laments of a seemingly boring night being filled with crazy feelings and emotions cycling through my brain... somehow the feeling of being published brings about a sense of inner peace... >.<

now back to last minute study, and to life.

2009-11-08T04:50:00.002+11:00

I have studied many times

The marble which was chiseled for me --

A boat with a furled sail at rest in a harbor.

In truth it pictures not my destination

But my life.

For love was offered me, and i shrank from its disillusionment;

Sorrow knocked at my door, but i was afraid

Ambition called to me, but i dreaded the chances.

Yet all the while I hungered for meaning in my life

And now I know that we must lift the sail

And catch the winds of destiny

Wherever they drive the boat.

To put meaning in one's life may end in madness,

But life without meaning is the torture

Of restlessness and vague desire --

It is a boat longing for the sea and yet afraid.

(Edgar Lee Masters, excerpt from Wild at Heart)

The Chick Language

2009-03-04T11:15:00.004+08:00

The sun is up, the breeze is cool and hola, a new semester has returned in accompaniment of the coolest summer in 20 years! Summer, is of course the season of seasons ... and when I say cool summer its not just the temperature dudes, it is all about the dancing candies and melting ice creams right beneath the sun's brilliant spotlight!

Being an engineering student for most of my academic years, God has bestowed me and my nerdy brethens with the hyper-charged chick radar as a reward to our zealous patronage to the God of Singlehood. A sad gift if you take it negatively, but definitely the most refreshing ability one can have amidst a life of routine and sausage sizzles ;) However, if theres a time to be thankful, then its got to be this year! From every nook and corner of the city, to the corridors and fields of uni, I can feel my single-sense tingling! Recession or not, i am stating this for a fact.... Perth is invaded by chicks.

Yes my dude friends! Forget Japan! This gotta be the very crest of the new chick revolution wave! (so please do overlook the expenses and come visit me ... I will supply photoproofs the nxt time xD)

Naturally, there is not much sense in just looking at chicks as if they are just part of a movie film flicking past your time frame, and quoting a word of relationship advice from Sir Isaac Newton: " If there is no action, there is no reaction". And action, gave me my first taste of chick language (ya ya i know, but this is a personal achievement so overlook it if you must xD).

Being young, sometimes it is easy to believe that it is just a matter of instinct and mindset to talk to a complete stranger and walk away with their contact and leaving a good impression to warrant a date. Some people do it as if it is natural, chatting up every girl in their vicinity but now i truly believe that it is an art that comes with trials and errors.

I met this really cute girl at the post office just an hour before writing this post. We were at the stamp table finalising address details and I noticed her neat handwriting, slightly wavy long black hair along with her captivating smile which reflects her pleasant personality -- All first impressions but they are more than often accurate ^_^. I really wanted to get to know her, that was the first instinctive thought that crossed my mind. But oddly enough, I do not know what to say to start off a mutual conversation. Thinking hard while filling up my letter, I was about to give up when she asked me if I happen to have some bottled water as the sponge for dapping stamps have dried up. Miraculously, something made me, the guy that drinks less than 4 cups of water a day to bring out a water bottle before i took the bus to uni lol! In the end I managed to talk to her but somehow I think I had been too busy playing cool to forget asking her for her name and number even after a good 7 minute chat lol. I am still kicking myself for this but well, i will have to take her number the next time i see her at uni... hopefully the small world theory holds lol.

Morale of the story, it is hard to engage in a good mutual converstation if one does not attempt to practice it often. I was definitely there talking about random stuff and hoping that somehow it goes in a direction i wanted it to go. Being infront of an attractive stranger, it is easy to get into a defensive stance in attemp to make sure that no negative impressions are "accidentedly" played out. While it is natural to assume this is the safest way to talk, I now think that it prevents ones true personality to shine and definitely reduces the effort put into a talk. Maybe to talk chick, one must not be a chicken xD.

I guess being holed up with games and animes really did cost me a lot of communication ability with girls afterall haha. Considering that girls I find attractive are normally educated ones with pleasant personalities, i really need to be more out going in studying chick language haha. Admist this recession and financial crisis, I am glad that the sun still shines and hope is still reflected in the smiles of tomorrow afterall... ;)

Sooo my cool friends out there... any advice for this little noobie here? xD
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On another note, I just moved to a new place and am currently without internet. Imagine the sadness. I will announce it with a big bang the day i get internet back into my life xD.

毒语

2009-02-05T20:36:00.003+08:00

也不知自从何时，我的心开始发闷。。。开始欢迎自卑进入人生。
做什么也不对，总没有一样可以给我一个挖掘自己的感觉，更没有满足感。

近来，唯一自在与高兴的时光全都是在家乡槟城家里与家人朋友团聚时感受到的。每次聆听父母的教诲我的眼泪总时在眼角间徘徊，渐渐地流下。我心里那时感觉到的温磬是多年来没有感觉到的。我突然感到非常幸福，因为父母的爱，就是那么伟大，那么真实的打动我的心。。。

我长大了，却又好像一位渴望着什么的小孩。我每天都以为，天下没有另一个可以了解我的人了。。。
我知道，我非常自私。。。做事也没LP，人生总是摇摇晃晃的，永远抓不住要点。每但我处理的事情恶化，我都不知所措，往往放弃，而途中也将自己的信心磨花了。。。

朋友们都说我很有天份，但是我就是找不到这所谓的天分。每次回味父亲对我说的话，我的心都是那么的酸，因为我觉得我每次都辜负了他的爱。我看着自己沉重的影子，更无法明白应该如何成为一位家庭的靠山、弟弟们的榜样、朋友的信心与梦想中的众人之希望。。。

有时，我也不知道是不是给予自己太多无形的压力。
往往，我都无暇中拿自己与他人相比。我一向都很骄傲，以为我样样都应该比别人厉害，但自己却常败给别人的成长与进步。。也不知我为何要比，输了，我却不振作，往往就不再立志进步，认输比较容易。人比人，嫩条比椰树，败了甘愿不穿库。。。

我最不明白的，还是自己。大家都说我想太多。。。但我也不知道应该如何去简略化自己的细想。
我想找个肩膀哭泣，又衰在自己是男人，脸皮还比心酸重要。。。

我读过的道理还算不少，再加上有那么多朋友时常与我一起参讨，人生的概念理论上对我来说应该简单不过。然而，我却我发领悟。我明白孔子、佛祖还有朋友与老爸对我说过的一切，但却无法采用。。。我是真的不会采用。

老爸时常问我，李玮志，你在这23年里，发现你自己要的是什么了吗？我只有苦笑作答，而心里确实是很伤心的。我好像一艘在大海中央的船，虽然无论八方任选一方都回到岸，我却不知该上那一个岸，结果甘愿停在那里，任命运摆布。
对，我婆妈。。。永远就做不起自己的决定。。。小时想要打游戏机，也非常害怕被骂，都得问过妈妈；大些了想和朋友门出去也得战战兢兢地问父母。到了现在因为年龄自动把这权利带给我后才不问，但还总是有那胶带父母的习惯，他们点了头我才放心的出去。。。我就是那么的没自信。

我喜欢一个女孩，却时常把表白当作科学试验般，想了一大堆procedure,但到了最后却因为hypothesis太渺茫而不行动。。。到了今天，我也只是在暗恋她。。。

我，到底是谁？23 年了我还认不得我自己，也不懂如何利用我身世的幸福，来寻找我的人生路。我听过很多人的人生故事，仰慕了无数的领袖、工业掌门、明星、老爹、朋友。。。但却从来没有佩服过我自己。我找不到我的强项，也看不到我的优点。。。

独自坐在我在波斯的小房间里，听着风扇的翁翁声，我决定写下我心中一直默默重复的毒语，希望把它拿出来后我可以用更光明的眼光看待自己。。。以更醒目的态度关照我周围的世界。。。然后踏上一条我自己选择的人生路，而多年后以无悔的笑容，描述我成功的故事。。。

The Final Hour!!!

2008-10-27T13:04:00.004+08:00

Its THE FINAL COUNT DOWN!! TA Da daaa DA!!

yooosh! Last freaking week of my uni life is finally here! and now all that lies between me and freedom is a 50 page thesis. Watch me, i am gonna pawn him kao lat kao lat!!! xD

Chiiong ahhh!!!!!!!!

Blessed Wings

2008-10-03T23:13:00.004+08:00

On this path I had walked alone... wandering across untold leagues, far from your hugs and smiles...
On this trail of trials and miles... I forgot the sound of your laughter and the beauty of your songs...
On this very way, I forgot your tenderness reflected in the brightness of day that never fails to replenish my hope...
On this very road, I forgot to read the messages you wrote within my heart every time you put me to sleep with a kiss filled with tranquil and home..

Home, has no better definition than seeing your smiles. Courage, has no better source than seeing you standing tall and petting my tired shoulders. Pride, has no better moment than seeing you waving at me in unison... and Love, has no better inspiration than feeling your touch and hearing your voice saying: Welcome home.

Never felt better to see everyone in my family after so long a time... Since being rendered emotionless and short tempered due to frustrating programing and crazy workload, I never felt more alive meeting up with my family... and definitely feeling old and weakened too as I am having back aches after giving my little brother a few good swings xD

May I sail through this final month of hardship and feel the warmth of my family during my long awaited break... Thanks mom and dad for coming over ... in pursuit of graduation I had slowly allowed the importance of family to slip my mind ... and in doing so I buried myself beneath a mountain of worries... I had grown but yet still so small, I had learned and yet I have forgotten and I had everything... yet I believed in nothing.

I had been a fool to walk carrying the wings of my family's blessings.... as one delivered by them to this Earth, to live and experience life as a man inheriting their blood... let me once again soar with these very wings!

The March of Gondor

2008-09-11T23:00:00.000+08:00

I guess we never really do get to go back... after tracking all these paths to the point where we stand, we slowly understand what passes behind is but a fleeting dream to the present...

As pain and despair engulfs the moments ahead, we shun our eyes from the pointy spears and arrows... feeling our body slowly turn, twitching and struggling, just to return to the point where we started... hoping to seek solace within the memories that still hold...

We plead and pray everyday at the darkest, loneliest hour... for a chance to break through all darkness and reemerge into light... We all pray... not just as a child, weak and naive but as a full grown man, lost and sad. To feel the tears of fear roll down our very cheeks even as we swear to wield our mightiest blade and bear our strongest shield, we suddenly understand the silent trembles that entwines the heart as the gales beat against our face...

Men are born afraid. In this world where courage is robbed by the icy winter winds, we all look upon the heavens... with all hope for the stars to light our journey across the endless dark. How long will we march? How long till we smile? When will the memories of the past materialize once more as our future? The silent remarks accompany our frightful march.

Steel boots clanking, dust upon dusty road, we remind ourselves once more of the duty we swore to oblige... and once more as well of the honor and glory we believed in, of the smiles we wish to protect. Even with these trembling hands we will still hold our sword... even within the darkest night we will still raise our shields. At this final hour of dire, may the waves of fate crash upon the backs of men, and may we brave it with the combined might of our fellowship.. forged long ago during better times, but reemerge to outlast every hour of darkness combined...

The dust continues to swirl, and thunder clouds color the path ahead with death and forlorn... but yet this is what our backs are for... this is what our strength exists to bear. Even in the continuing darkness the sun never ceases to cast thin rays of hope that slices through the forbidding clouds... even in the quietest night the insects continue to whisper the heralding of a new dawn... and even in the pain of defeat and loss, heaven never fails to answer our prayers by rewarding us with tomorrow to continue ahead...

As we continue to draw the next breathe of ice and dust, we taste our tears of past mingle with the sweats from the march. Suddenly it all seems clear that the direction ahead will not revive the path that has come to past, but rather carve an epic journey forged to outlast...

And so to arms my brothers! and let our thundering boots remind the world of our mighty march!
And as the horns of war echo the plains of death, let them come, let them try. For the glory of a hundred breathes, for the beauty of a single lifetime of man, we will live to see the rise of tomorrow's sun!

This is after all ... Our March!

A Taste of Fear

2008-09-03T00:25:00.003+08:00

I am ever impressed by life's ability to strike back hard no matter how prepared one seems to feel. With the ability to make time flow, life is as terrifying an opponent and as wonderful a teacher...

Finally in the final semester that I had looked forward to throughout my uni years, things are always rather contrary to whatever one perceives. Never before I recall feeling as tired and unenthusiastic while handling my projects and studies. Life suddenly feels dry as things go out of balance and frustration kicks in as I am constantly bugged with an unfinished project in my hands. For once, I feel that I am at wits end, and I truly come to fear this pressure before me.

Having been empowered by thoughts that I will graduate and start my life as an engineer by securing a job, the fact that my thesis still lingers on and no way of ending soon leaves me really demotivated for most of the days. The words just do it and don't think that much suddenly becomes harder to realize. Things feel complicated and it gets worse when the mind starts playing tricks on itself. I caught myself blanking out while my own mind played out the worst case scenarios over and over again, and hell it makes me even more worried than before.

I come to envy people that are juggling their projects well and still can lead a normal life. Makes me wonder how some people juggle their work and life around. I am at the doorsteps of entering an industry responsible for delivering the things that make life better for people, and yet I could not handle things as well as I hoped to. It feels like doing my best is no longer sufficient to handle things, but I do not have the energy to face the torrents of pressure that come streaming down everyday. Indeed, this is the first time I feel lost and afraid...

All I know for now is that I cannot back down no matter how much my heart wants to quit. Looking back, I have walked a beautiful life that is worth fighting on for, and I will not let the good times stop here. The Chinese table tennis coach told his defeated star player: The throne has always been yours, but you need to reach out to take it. Nothing falls out of the sky. May the stars guide my paths ahead as I stretch to create a better semester out of these dirt and dust...

The weeklong lesson...

2008-08-25T00:51:00.007+08:00

Often, the sky is lost... clouded by torrents of daily monotone

And we gradually drown... Brought down by life's busy tones.

Starring at the heavens with a pair of lonely eyes,

I wonder why is my cup more empty than full?

In my frustration all I want is to scream...

While I yearn to find my own direction,

My mind is too clogged to find my own motivation

Only at the end that i see my worries as nothing more but mere illusions...

For I have focused too much on the many crossroads,

and forgetting the fact that I already have my own road!

Perhaps there is no destiny in life

Rather the key is to continue our strive

and one day our growth will unlock our fate

For our world's clockwork truly ticks, when we turn it with a smile on our cheeks!

For a long time, I can't help but feel the pressure breathing down my neck as i set my sights on completing my torrent of tasks on time. Often, I find myself overestimating my strengths while undermining my weaknesses... giving rise to disappointments and tiredness as my momentum gradually wears. Worn out and frustrated, I had let worry after worry control my rhythm. In confusion, I start to shiver and fear, and everyday begins with more drag than i could bear to lift. I questioned my competency, and if my destiny will guide me through...

Writing these lines made me relive the feelings that wear my body down for the past week. I could feel my optimism breaking down as i think more and more. Perhaps we all need a new perspective into things from time to time ... Watching the grand closing ceremony of the Olympic Games made me realize that who am I to carry such selfish worries when the world keeps revolving and flowing? True moments of life can only be forged by hard work and not a stream of worries and fear. We all are but pieces of gears that connect to move this titanic clockwork known as life. I will learn to play my part, in another week that moves us on...

another defeating blow...

2008-07-15T09:50:00.004+08:00

sigh, results are out... and i guess i deserve no worse....

With this i guess all my doors to redemption are now officially closed... i can kiss my dream of getting at least a second upper honors goodbye... what a way to start my morning with the word -- depressing.

looking back, i did try to work hard this time round, with the exception of letting my hair down after my first two papers... lost of momentum killed my last paper. But the most disappointing view to me is still the first two... din do even close to what i hoped to. I lost. Utterly lost...

In defeat, i spaced out. Its hard to even decide whether to comfort myself or to accept the pain of punishment. I felt like i have let everyone down, even myself... i have only felt pain each time i see my own results, and there are always times that i believe the pain of defeat will always make a man stronger. Naive. Foolish. I read too many mangas n watch too many animes, as if my life is run by chakra... A sudden tough reality in a field of competition, I feel lost and fear... there is no longer pride... just stinging pain.... I guess i just lost the chance to tell my kids how well i did in uni.... damn.... if only my dad did not tell me that!

sigh. It suddenly feels like i have been living on the edge of fear. Fear of losing, fear of self image, fear of datelines ... fear of failure. In defeat, all that is left is but a beating heart. I know i will surely remember this one for as long as i live on... For today, I know i lost to my own ego... and i lost, because i did not do enough to win...

Yes, there is no freaking way i am going to die this easily. If this is my hundred years then I pray that my story does not end here. In defeat, i will no longer hesitate or run. For all the regrets i harbor i will face them today and not tomorrow. To myself... sorry. For not being able to redeem this lost. Sorry. For being a foolish coward. and Sorry, for all the nonsense and bullshit during serious times....

I failed what i set out to achieve. I will remember this day.... For this, I pray for the wisdom to guide me on, for the courage to be me, and for the wind, to fuel my fighting spirit. This is just mighty frustrating, let me focus on what is important and kick some ass for a change!!!

Bullshito... the way of change

2008-07-11T15:46:00.003+08:00

While the ancient samurais adhere by a strict code of Bushido, the core of honor for the old knights of japan, our modern day Malaysian politics decided to change. For the new generation, we need a new way. When "tak boleh", we have to be "boleh". When it is still 2008, we dream of 2020... and thus the new way of Bullshito is born and preached, by holding on to the ideologies of extreme bullshit, there will come a day that we achieved all our dreams, there will come a day where Malaysians stand tall in the eyes of the world...

*sigh* I would like to quote Aragorn: "....but it is not this day."
I can only foresee an hour of wolves and the day where the courage of Malaysians fail...

While I am far away from all these, I feel the same pain while reading about the detrimental of thoughts among the higher echelons of the Malaysian government. I feel the same pain hearing shouts of defamation and accusations being spat from the very mouths of leaders that I respected and trusted to lead us all towards a more honorable path. And on top of that, definitely the pain that I will not be able to share my study experiences and the knowledge I accumulated overseas with my fellow countrymen without being dissed and trampled by the government we elected to protect and represent us, citizens of Malaysia.

I may be a naive fool when it comes to politics, but even I can tell that some things are definitely wrong. Yes, Malaysia is a country of democracy and freedom, but heck it is also a country of exploitations. Exploitations that are not by others! There is no longer SHTI that tries to bluff our sultans to give them more land, there is no longer any Portugal, Holland or British colonial maniacs wanting more property... this time, my friends, we are exploited by our own leaders... I am starting to wonder if Malaysia is now a conglomerate instead of a country, dedicated to serve the pockets of the privileged few.

I have always come to believe that a person that is once a leader, will forever be a leader. And a leader, not just serves his people's best interest but to educate them about the common goal. I can ramble all day about the weak leadership, I guess it is simpler to say that the words I hear everyday from them can only be summarized as: BULL SHIT. Is there even a common goal in Malaysia when we allow the world to think our opposition likes backdoor operations? Is there even a common goal when our country's ex-leader talks like a bored uncle in some coffee shop spewing 'weightless' words? Heck he even blogs like it is laochaboh.com (at least laochaboh has positive views)! Is there even a common goal when we dice up our supremos instead of helping them achieve the Malaysia we all desire? Perhaps there is a common goal: Malaysia the laundromat, a place for all dirty laundry, especially welcomes undergarments...

Alas, we all only complain. Sad to say its a case of like father like son, top bengkok bottom senget. At times when fuel prices are soaring, we all seek help from the government by giving them more bullshiteous words. At times when they wash their cloths, we help them hang the laundry. We say our leadership is weak, but they think it is the people that are weak. They are not there when we ask for more, and we are not there when they need us to say go forth with the people's power! Theres no mutual respect. People want change but theres no better side. Neutral people, dillusional government, furious opposition.... the worse kind of circuit board - one without connection. sigh... this is no doubt not the full picture, but if there is nothing wrong, tell me what is right... it is already a bullshiteous effort to even bring out this one puzzle piece...

Yes. A new age has arrived. All hail the SangMurais of modern Malaysia, ultimate practitioners of Bullshito. Emblem of our Development, Embodiment of our People, and Emperors of their own pockets.

The Saddest Message Left Behind...

2008-05-27T11:07:00.002+08:00

And with his last breath his voice fades into dusk... muttering the words,"Its all better now..."

Chen Jian, a victim of the Sichuan catastrophic earthquake was buried under tonnes of debris of 70 hours, urging himself to breath every next breath and flaming his will to live through the images of his beloved wife and to be born baby. But as rescuers finally heaved him out, he succumbed to exhaustion ... creating an aftershock of emotions as people try to urge him to stand the way he had inspired them to.... but it had been his finest hour... and last as well...

It has been a while since the meaning of life itself struck me at the very core ... bringing out the natural sense of sadness and lost despite not knowing him and being half a globe apart. My tears naturally welled as I watched the clip portraying his heroic cling to life... I grieved that i have forgotten so much... I grieved that i have forgotten the value of my own life... and I grieved that he will no longer be with us ... leaving behind only a trail of emotions that touched millions....

Perhaps tragedies and lost have always been Heaven's tool to remind us of what we had forgotten in our haste to define life. Today, I will remember this saddest message, for life is filled with people who cared...

Chen Jian ... the word perseverance does not only resonate in your name but through your words.... I will remember it... I will remember this saddest but most enlightening journey of your life the way you urged us to with your last and most courageous moment ...

Perhaps Life is always more beautiful when every moment, can be our last ... may your soul ascend the stairs of heaven and find solace amidst the white clouds...... Farewell...

* 陈坚, Chen Jian, Literally meaning to One who Perseveres passed away at the age of 26....*

Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish

2008-05-18T16:34:00.002+08:00

From the words of Steve Jobs, Co-Founding Father of the legend of a company, Apple Inc.

Just a short video i would like to share.... Hope it lights a direction during these very hours of work and stress ... Stay Hungry, Stay Foolish and break the waves!

koay kak....

2008-05-01T00:44:00.002+08:00

koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....koay kak.....

its 12.45 am.... i am hungry... i want koay kak..... n xinch stole my koay kak laz time... *sniff*

Chains of Time

2008-04-27T19:19:00.003+08:00

"People come and go, as the sands change when the winds blow..."

It is a saddening fact to realise how many friends had slipped away from my consciousness with each passing day. Sorting through the long list of contacts lying dormant in my phone as i prepare to transfer them to my new phone, I could not help but ache with every browse of another name.

Inevitable? Perhaps. As much as I hope to keep everyone in my heart I know it is only possible to an only extend... Old friends from high school, brothers at the height of friendship are now mirages in my memory. Teachers, ex-housemates, ex-colleagues... so many dimensions... so many timelines, it is always saddening to think of the footprints left behind.. of the many people i treasure but can never always hold...

No doubt... we always have those hi and bye emails, forwards and lingering msn contacts. Facebook and Friendster? all part of our subconscious mind yearning and reaching for each other. Indeed, this is my utmost appreciation for technology to keep humans together, but yet there is still a vast majority out there that are not connected. And reality always dawn with people realizing that they are too 'busy' to be connected, and it is impossible to chat with all 500 contacts on msn.... shameful but its the truth, many a time I go online just to see people's nick names to have a feel of how others are doing in life but at the same time appearing offline .... laughable? perhaps the appearing offline thingy is the most brilliant yet stupid function of msn lol.

Nothing stays constant. Perhaps life will pain me even greater if I am given the ability to exist outside time but thats another story. Many things i come to treasure are components of memories created during my childhood days before life force me upon the path of adulthood. Responsibilities and situations carve my personality as it carved everyone's .... often regrettable but I always find reunions with old friends not as thrilling as i hoped it would be... esp when I have only days to catch up with everyone... So badly out of tune it often makes me wonder what happened in between? What had I missed out?

Still, my mind continues to create new connections and memories with my current circle of friends. Have I chosen to move on like you all did? I can only wonder with each scroll revealing another familiar name... As much as I can understand, I guess this is true... new friends are always a blessing, and old friends? A miracle! And as i thread along this infinitely long struggle of life I am glad i crossed paths with the vast crowd in my heart. Perhaps memories are the gold that makes a poor man rich? or perhaps the randomness of the silk threads of fate are the dominant power here?

*sigh* Whatever the question left unanswered is, i guess i can only treasure all i have at this moment and maybe spin my own web of fateful events for the future. Walking on, no doubt, is my greatest teacher and confuser after all....

Human to Legend?

2008-04-18T09:03:00.002+08:00

"Amazon purchases JK's Book of 5 Fairy tales for 4 mil dollars...."

4 million dollar story on a beetle hmmmm.... an howler of a news title for all the Potter fans out there indeed, Amazon is further creating more magic for the simple handwritten book by announcing the JK's intention of not publishing this one but would rather want Amazon to keep it under tight security. Handled like an ancient bible, its kept within a metal casing, rested comfortably above a bed of sponges while its pages are flipped by someone wearing a glove. It doesn't hurt to feel even more magical by seeing the two hawk-eyed security guards standing in the background guarding it... probably all resisting a peek at the book or thinking: if only i can get this to ebay.....

I did say wow too when i watched this news some moments ago. Of course, JK is a human as well with wishes for her own privacy and plans for her own creations, it is just the way humans react to her work that is an interesting part of life. JK is not the only one to be air lifted into a legendary status, other famed authors, poets bla bla (anyone famous that writes something down) seemingly written their manuscripts in a special ink formula infused with gold, platinum and oil.

It always intrigues me on how things are priced in our world based on name and fame. Pricing is probably one of the unfair issues in our day, with people working as hard that do not get paid as much as some other's simple flick of a pen. The list goes on, and human obsession has always been a decisive factor on good and bad..

Maybe it is okay for people to show appreciation to their favorite artists this way, but what when we apply all these to government policies and ultimately the concept of democracy? Are words weighted or priced if u like so evenly after all? A typical example of the turmoil back home would be the voice of our ex- Prime Minister and our current Prime Minister.... what is democracy when words are weighted and the term self expression sounds more like a command to enough people to stir a show? ... boringly interesting.

It is just funny when we observe how things work ... not to say i have the right to judge but i can't help noticing the fact that we live our lifes in irony. Who is there to ensure that every step ahead is an equal footing for everyone anyway? Still, there is no place to withdraw and shiver. Perhaps its also another part of the human in us to strife for the magic ink of gold, platinum and oil, and to rise from normal... to legend.

Another irony? haha, I do not know why the sudden urge to blog about this if not just to keep this place alive again. Many thoughts have rigged my poor brain during this long period between my posts ... troubling times and good times alike. Just like everything that is real, life is far from being a dream, but i guess i have again learnt a bit on digesting this bitter bit, perhaps just to see if i can sign million dollar autographs some day, with gold, platinum and oil lol.

One Small Tick, One Big Leap

2008-01-10T23:22:00.000+08:00

Everything Ends... and yet Everything Begins.

10 days after the amazing fireworks at Taipei 101, I still find it hard to believe the long trail of 22 years behind me and am even more amazed that i am blogging from Taiwan, a place where i never thought i would bother to visit... let alone work in and slowly fall in love with.

For me, watching the fireworks illuminating the night Taipei sky, was a moment captured in my own eternity for it was the first time I took the trouble to rub shoulders with the unbelievable crowds on new years day. With each majestic burst of light, I can nearly feel the resonance of emotions radiating in my chest with each moment where the present fades and starts... Didn't know so many thoughts can race by within a moment... must had been heck of a year.

2007 was indeed a heck of a year, and i was glad i was there to fall and climb, to cry over some bruises and to smile over some loses... I had been very much of a dreamer, trying to capture the truth behind the comfort of a deep sleep, and believing in a reality defined by a myriad of imaginations. I thought i had grown when i am just growing, thought i was wise when that wisdom is short of courage, thought i was awake when i don't even know what it means to be awake...

Perhaps still... I am dreaming. Life can only be as hopeful as the brilliance within each burst of light, but nonetheless, it is often the hope that creates the everlasting beauty only life can provide. I often thought life is about the moment at the crossroads, but perhaps theres only one path when we look beyond that hesitation. Could it be that all paths are but one, while the difference only spawns from doubt?

Perhaps i am still asleep, but through these dreams i slowly understand what i yearn to see when i finally awake. Like a journey across a never ending mirage, maps are no guide, but rather the courage to unwaveringly believe in a single direction is the key to move on. I had always believed in choices, but maybe there are times when its not a question of choice, but rather in the unshaken faith one has on the path chosen...

And so... with the last brilliant display, I savored the final moments of 2007's fading light...

What is life when everything begins to end and what is the end when there are endless beginnings? What is 2008 without 2007 and what is 2008 without 2009? What am I without yesterday nor tomorrow?

Perhaps, I am but my own path, and my world is but what I carve.
Our time is what we plan, and our will is the only beginning that never ends...

Happy 2008 ^_^V

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

p.s: yea paiseh this took so long coz it has already been heck of a 2008 ...

p.p.s: anyone bored of this post can go check out sum of my pics in taipei here. ya ya... veli little.. but i 'will' upload more XD

p.m.s: dun angry lah... i hvent got any pics wif chicks yet ^^

I am going to ... TAIWAN!

2007-11-30T19:18:00.000+08:00

Apologies for the lack of updates (yes feel free to roll your eyes and say:" chehhh.. usual lahh!!")

haha. I am not much of a driven blogger anyway, but this is news that i must say just to solve the mystery of the missing Dan ^_^

Yep! I am going to Taiwan!

For 3 months this time to work to fulfill my universities graduation requirement. I have been trying to secure a job here in Australia but it is hard without a Permanent Resident status. Without that, we are but Potential Runaways to companies ... GG to vacation job applications T_T"

Luckily for me my dad knows a friend over in Taiwan that is willing to offer me a position at his factory. So instead of Penang, I will be trying out something new in Taiwan. It is an exciting decision to me as I have totally no clue to what awaits, but this is definitely something I don't want to forsake... wish me luck! ^^

It is kindof sad though that i will not be able to meet up with you guys that managed to get back to Penang during the hols. Take good care there and enjoy your holidays ppl! Hopefully... hopefully i can meet up with you guys next year if everything goes well =)

Will keep you guys posted with chicks frm Taiwan! If I get internet lah XD

Darn I 4got to mention the date -_-

Going off on the 3rd of December ^^

Time Lapse

2007-10-03T04:07:00.000+08:00

wow.. how long have i been off the blogging scene? even my chatterbox died lol.

well there isn;t much to explain actually for why i had not been blogging.. havent been an active blogger anyway haha.

just dropping by to say hi to you guys (IF anyone still visits my blog for that matter) lol and hope that i will keep posting as part of doing something healthy instead of playing online RPGs during my free time, which is also so limited nowadays... -__-"

take care my dear friends, will post an update bout life soon ^^

better hit the bed now... its freaking 4 am *yawns*

20 Minutes

2007-06-29T23:41:00.000+08:00

"We will be arriving shortly at the Penang International Airport. Cabin crew to landing stations."

There has never been a nicer moment for hearing the name of my hometown Penang. Perhaps pilots have a knack for pronouncing locations with such tone that it just hits you, but hey, honestly i know i am just glad to see this patch of land. A patch of land we drifters reach out for, and yet the patch of land we left behind for the seemingly greener pastures abroad...

Glancing out of the aircraft window only to see lines upon lines of coconut trees, I can't help but wonder how could 4 months seemed like an eternity. It is truely a sight to behold for once, or is it a sign of old age... can't believe i am mesmerized by a couple of swaying coconut trees in the wind! (~,^)?

"SQ192, you are cleared for landing..."

Imagining the conversation in the cockpit, I know I AM Home. Finally....

Finally desu ka... perhaps finally is just the word. It had been tough for me for there has never been a four months where i see so many changes in myself. Rises... Falls....Pains... Gains as well as disappointments and hopes ... they were all there. As it is for everyone... it had been a period of trials... God's way of making sure you are 21.

Regrets? It ain't my right to do so. Disappointments? Plenty. But at least it tells me more about what I don't want. Rough as it had been, I am still glad for darkness often highlights the crown jewel of our lifes - true friends. While my fragility and failures are reflected by the many pointless struggles and naive ideals, i managed to continue standing through the strength of my friends. Just like a smile in a world without emotions...
(To all of you, thank you so much. You guys had been my inspiration and hope even though you might not notice it. Near or far, big or trivial ... it made a difference ^^. ~ ya ya... i know i know.. i am not only old... but getting mushy too... uugh!! )

"Welcome to the Penang International Airport..."

Another anouncement brought me back from the train of thoughts caused by the rough landing. Now I know no more accidents might happen as cursed by my housemate (darn u Davin!!! u r lucky nothing happened to me), luckily he sucked at cursing. XD

3 weeks.... some people ask why i even bother to return. 21st Birthday? Free ticket? Maybe ... but the real urge that got me back, is because i have to be. Needing a good and complete rest is just a reason to come home to see my family and more importantly, to sort things out. The many things my irresponsible self left hanging... and the many things i tried to run from.

Another deep first breath of hometown air .... another sigh of uncertainity and uneasiness. Not the usual homecoming excitement perhaps, but rather an anticipation of a future that is frightheningly close.

I am finally ready to do this... and I am just glad to see my mom waving to me behind the glassed door of the arrival hall...

夜语

2007-06-05T01:33:00.000+08:00

最讨厌难眠之夜，夜长梦多
思海一震，百感齐涌，痛击心胸
无奈，忧虑，都是内心的常客
想放纵逍遥，却除不去心中的闷热
太多不懂，太多难解
从何寻起？只怕人生疑点无限
勇气，不知如何召集
失望，则是难以抛离
妄为好人，噩梦连城
何为因果？无常未来门。。。

2007-05-28T23:26:00.000+08:00

Don't keep me guessing... Don't keep me waiting...
For always i strive, to see the expression of your heart..
Tell me whats true and thats my truth,
Show me whats wrong so i can make it right.
Tell me whats warm, to melt the miles of cold.
Show me your sign, to give me the map to you...
Still, as always.... I will be there,
Regardless of tougher tomorrows.

Fire!!!

2007-02-13T14:10:00.000+08:00

"The sun is falling upon us!! My head is on FIRE!!!! Even my keyboard is SCORCHING!!!!"

Nabei. Its hot.

Cursing El Nino is just what i feel like doing, throwing my detest of extreme hot weather back in nature's face. Why the heck do you have to occur when i really need my sole one week out there enjoying myself!!??

Chikuso. I hate hot weather.

Heck. I am in a serious dilemma. As part of a community that is fully aware of how had we promoted and welcomed El Nino, i can still feel my sweaty hands trying to reach out to the 'On' button of my air-con while thinking of my almost empty Waja's petrol tank which desperately needs refueling.

Gosh. I so need to cool off.

The tables has changed. People used to say enjoy while we can for life is short, but today we can only enjoy now for a hotter tomorrow. I can see the trend, our world is going wild. The Guy, The Siao Ta Bo1 or as what our noble scientists call him, El Nino, is upon us! So i pledge u all my dear readers, lets declare tomorrow our Anti-El Nino day!! Turn off your air-cons and stop your cars!! Gather your fly swatters in exchange for Ridsect! We are freaking at war!!!!

Ok ok... I see the big ( -_____-)""""""""" on your faces. Chill guys you know i need to let off some steam (does that contain green house gases btw???) XD

But then again, El Nino is no match for our secret weapon. Ice Kacang anyone? =)

Joblessnesszz

2007-02-12T08:28:00.000+08:00

Waking up to the zzzng-brnngs of our lovable, hardworking and considerate MPPP grass cutters on a Monday morning, I rubbed my eyes and realised something.... I have no work.

Going downstairs to flip the otherwise hardly touched daily Star, I look across the breakfast table only to see my brother's clogged up face which is apparently donned to avoid tuition... aah, I have no work!

Indeed, I have no work! I have officially started my 3 months holiday! Except that ofcourse now only 2 weeks remain. I yearn to make full use of every second of them, but still unexpected things offen occur in a time when I had plans to improve things. Perhaps I had allowed time to drift too long due to procrastinations and unsensitive thoughts, but it happened. I am demoted once more, from a member of the working force to the jobless, from a couple to best of friends...

Being jobless really does give me a lot of time on my hand to contemplate what i really want in an relationship. In my naivity, i thought that we had knew each other long enough to make things work, but through her words I finally realised how much disappointments I had caused when i misunderstood her expectations. Like wise there are also times where I quietly suffered as I tried to rough it out, thinking that thats what it takes in a relationship, thinking that both of us will come to an understanding somehow, hoping for a miracle and heck, naivity dries the deepest of wells.

Go on as friends. I had to admit that i had alot of trouble accepting this fact although i know its the best path for us... we need time to understand each other. Perhaps men are more unable to adjust to a change of status, as i experienced by rolling around my bed throughout a sleepless night. I know, clearer than before, not only about how much more she means to me but also about my priorities in life. While alot of people believe in smoothing things out together, i realised that i have a responsibility to hunt out my true self or else i will never be able to give her my all no matter how much i wanted to.

A change of status does not change my feelings. Bittersweet. Thats how i felt as i drove home from her place. Perhaps its not just friendship I want, I just want a cease fire period where both of us are given a chance to further understand each other without expectations nor pressure. To find the missing links in life, and to understand what we truely seek. I look forward to this new phase of life, its categoried "Its complicated" in friendster terms lolz, but i see it as a life changing experience.

Reflecting upon Leo Ku's song Ai4 De2 Tai4 Chi2 (Love thats too late), I wonder if our decision is the correct and better one. As Ghee puts it, theres no better path in life, all paths are the same and only our decisions can make a difference. Fate has brought us together, to face this challenge is our decision, I guess whats left is to follow through...

The zzzng-brnng has finally moved two blocks away and my brother's cramp inducing face is no longer seen around the house, gone to tuition i supposed. And me? Jobless as the recent sms from my colleague says : hv a nice 1 week holiday! Haihz, officially jobless indeed in all sense lolz. Nice holiday it is then, I guess i better get going to the gym, got a freaking tyre to puncture :))

Connections

2007-01-28T11:03:00.000+08:00

Today is a meaningful day to me... I cleaned my room.

Hoi, I see some eyes rolling there but I am serious here. Cleaning up a room is no easy business you know, especially when you have a million historical artifacts to go through, each item no matter how small triggers the "Throw or No Throw" command, one which I, a very typical cancerian hates to deal with. Why don't some things just disappear instead of hanging out in my room for aeons and aeons, I would lament on, but then again, looking at each ancient belonging brings out old feelings and insights into myself. Forgotten memories or life changing thoughts alike, they call out to me, just like circuits of light awaiting a new battery, a connection waiting to be connected...

For once, I felt that digging into my own past is as thrilling as trying to predict the future. While I enjoy planning and day dreaming about the future, reading my past real time by touching those yellowed parchments of notes, greeting cards since the days where I wear blue shorts to school, short stories which I wrote but abandoned and even those add maths workings (ya I don't know why i still have them either) really brings out a whole new feeling all together. The feeling of flow, the feeling of through, the feeling of discovery.

Collecting those lost steps, I can only gasp at how far the currents of life has carried me since the good old days of hacyon. Facing the strong currents of the oceans i now steer within, I had been constantly pushed down by despair and stronger foes, losing the motivation of my raw, presailing days. Lost, pathetic, I now realise how far I had strayed from the original values that define me. Between the lines of those old scribbles I see a young me, bathing in confidence and arrogance to a certain degree, egoistic and sure of my path. A silhoutte of my past, stronger but perhaps more naive as compared to a present me of low esteem, what in the world had life done to me? Or rather what had i done with myself?

At this point, I walked around and took a couple of deep breaths. All around my room i can only imagine my old self shaking his head in disbelieve upon seeing my current state. Too many a time i resisted the temptation to shout back: Stop that naive smirk! what do you know of the future?! But yet, I can't help but to agree with his views, I had been controled by the elements, clouded by seemingly greener grasses and intimidated by my own failures, taking them too seriously and alas, retreated onto the loser's path... Truely, productivity has been low for me as I elude competitions, taking challenges too easily and pointlessly slacking.

"So whats? We's can still stay alives this ways!" Hissed my inner Gollum, displaying his trademark smirk. You know what? you are right, I can stay alive just by being what i am now. I will eventually get a job, and eventually live on a decent life. But, I am NOT one bit satisfied and will never be fulfilled if I pursue this lifestyle. I have dreams as far as I can remember, I cannot keep sitting around and watch my dreams fade as I kept scrambling for cover when a fight comes challenging nor can I just keep feeling happy for people's success while I pretend to be satisfied with what I am. NO MORE. I have had enough, it is my turn to wield my own carving knife.

While scientists around the world are still scrambling to connect our genetic past, this year's spring cleaning has given me the chance to redeem what i had once lost, a connection to the past which I had unintentionally cordoned off due to my own mistakes and naive thoughts. Perhaps the most important lesson I had learned is that grasses are always greener elsewhere when i believe them to be. We do what we have to do when we are young, and what I need to do now is to have faith in my own strength and accept my past failures as lessons instead of reasons to abandon a dream.

Long and winding is the road ahead, and indeed i am no master of it, but if it is the chance to live as me, I say walk on.

The Old And The New

2007-01-14T14:49:00.000+08:00

A year has again come and gone, and before the days stretches too far in to '07, i know i have to do it again... yea and i mean blogging ^^.

Since the days where laziness took over my blogging routines, i had been practically shut off from literature especially with the amount of non-textbooks i read, and indeed it had been a sapping experience for my writting. It might be a laughable dream but one of my goals later in life is to become a writter! Indeed, i am no mahaguru or dalai lama but i really hope some day i could share my life's experiences with people everywhere and help them get started in a world that gets harsher each year. Well, so much said, i believe blogging will at least help me to write better, and thus the creation of this new blog, in conjunction with a new dream!

06' had indeed passed through peacefully, from my perspective at least as i observed an unusually silent passing of a year on my balcony. Fireworks? yea.. but they are so distant away as they changed the venue this year. Worst still are the silent streets around my neighbourhood, where are the honking cars and all the eagerly counting down shouts? Well, maybe the folks around my place just got a year older thats why, or is it that the world just became a more stressful place?

Whatever the quiet transition meant, i guess its time to partition away the stuff of 2006. But nevertheless, i am just thankful for the many things that happened, good or bad alike for in the end i see a lot of friendship bonds strengthened, alot of new friends made, alot of happiness created and most important of all a whole new horizon expanded! The past has settled itself, only the memories linger on, and a broader future awaits exploration! I will move on, along with the pains and bruises of 06'.

There might come a time when the words in this blog are just but remnants of time, but they will at least be a momento of life maximized! Lets get pumping life into our time and not time into our lifes! Happy 07' ppl! ^^